Apologies

“The truth is, you could cut my throat, and with my one last gasping breath, I’d apologize for bleeding on your shirt.”

I’m sorry. Cliché right? Starting off this post with an apology? Well, here’s the news: I’m a walking apology. I’m actually quite surprised my first words weren’t “I’m sorry”.

The truth is, I feel like a complete disappointment in all ways possible. Everyday is a struggle no matter how hard I try. I should be better, but I’m not.

I should have never come back to you. I was better off without you. Blocking you from my mind as much as I possibly could. Erasing the past, a clean slate. Forgetting the hurt you caused me, the pain that will never seem to go away. Because somehow, I still feel like it was my fault. Like it is still my fault, the way things all went down. I’m not sure what’s worse: expecting you to still be this way, or having it happen so much that I’m used to it.

Am I the reason you won’t break up with him? Am I the reason you don’t want to be alone? Did I cause you so much hurt by existing that you can’t seem to let go? I’m sorry for being that person for you. I’m sorry that your life isn’t everything you wanted it to be and more, I’m sorry that I was that mistake in your life that you can’t seem to take back.

I’m sorry for being your daughter, a failure of a good child, a failure of the hope you were looking for. I’m sorry that I came into this world with too many problems for you to handle. I’m sorry that I held you back from that happy ending fairytale kind of love you wanted, I know I was the reason that my father left.

Do you remember all of those times you hurt me? Do you deny it now because it’s too hard for you to accept or handle? Do you regret it? I’m sorry for being a huge burden in your life, something completely unwanted. I’m sorry for ever telling anyone what you did. I’m sorry I made your life a living hell, I’m sorry I made you question your own existence. I’m sorry I have so many problems.

If I was good, you wouldn’t have hurt me. If I didn’t deserve this, it wouldn’t be happening to me, you were right. I’m sorry that you’re ashamed that I’m your child. I know I’m a bitch. I know I’m a liar. I know I should be dead. I know I’m all of these things and more. I know I’m to blame for your pain and I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.